1. she is a heartless bitch.
2. she WILL steal your man. even if he’s gay.
3. she eats seconal and nembutal by the handful.
4. she’s a drunk.
5. she prefers not to ‘socialize with kooks’.
6. her musical numbers are pretty crap, even when she’s not loaded on dolls.
7. she makes her boyfriend go down on her so it won’t mess up her makeup. (book only)
8. she talks shit about everyone she knows.
9. she is clearly judy garland.
10. she fucks her boyfriend mel and then uses him as her own personal houseboy after she’s a star.
11. she makes fun of helen lawson for always dating fags.
12. she sings ‘come live with me’ (which is possibly the worst song ever) in the loony bin with tony polar.
13. she thinks jen is a loser for making nudies.
14. she screams a lot at lyon, who has a really over-inflated sense of his own importance if you ask me, so fuck it. i’d scream at him too.
15. she has to get up at 5 o’clock in the morning and SPARKLE, NEELY, SPARKLE!
16. she enjoys traveling incognito.
17. she didn’t have dough handed to her because of her good cheekbones, she had to EARN it.
18. she loves to drink milk and steals it from her neighbors.
19. her arc goes from ‘small-time bitch’ to ‘bitch who has hit the big time’
20. she fucks up all her comebacks.
21. she thinks anne is a stupid cunt from new england.
22. she drinks with her dolls because then they’ll work faster.
23. she bottoms out by getting wasted and subsequently fucking some guy in a booze-and-pills-induced blackout.
24. she’s really cute and has nice falls in her hair all the time.
25. she knows that ted casablanca is NOT a fag and she’s the dame that can prove it.
26. she is starring in ‘Tell Me, Darling!’
27. she avoids jen and tony when tony is going insane because she thinks they’re going to ask her to get them work.
28. her method of disinfecting her pool is to pour whisky in it.
29. she can curse like a sailor and uses language that would make a longshoreman blush.
30. most importantly, neely demonstrates proper awareness of her position in the grand scheme of things when she screams the following in an alleyway after fucking up yet another comeback: “Mel? GOD??? Neely?… NEELY O’HAAARAAA!!!”